Who Are You? Part 2

Here is the outer version of me that everyone got to see.

Here is the outer version of me that everyone got to see. The yellow represents the light that I reflected. You saw joy and happiness. The black lines were the scars that I carried from past trauma. I only showed enough to let you know I have seen my share of heartache, but the light was far more prevalent. The cross on the forehead is me showing you that Jesus is the reason for my joy. You should look at my example and follow Him, and you will have joy too. The white smile shows you that I can bring humor and light to any situation. This is what I wrote about that side of me during therapy.

“I am a ray of sunshine. A beacon you can follow, a lighthouse in the storm. You see some of my scars. I wasn’t always this way. You can trust me when I say that I understand. I feel your pain. Let me take it from you. I can handle it. You see, I follow Christ, and I want you to have that hope. Trust me. I wish I believed myself as much as you believe me.” 

The outer mask that I wore/wear daily is deceiving. You only see what I let you see. I can put on the best face and give you the biggest smile, and you wouldn’t know the hurt and heartache that dwells within. The pain was hidden so well that I even fooled my wife for many years. She had no idea of the darkness inside. I had/have a great mask. The outer mask we see on others leads us to believe that their lives are going great. Think about it like seeing your friend’s lives on social media. You are not getting the whole story. When people saw me, they always asked why I was always so happy. They saw the part of me that often laughed, which lightened up the mood during tense situations. I wasn’t a depressed person with inner turmoil; I was a comedian that helped people.

Then, after a long day, I’d go home. A little opportunity to break the façade in the car on my commute was helpful. I was exhausted from putting on a show all day, but I can’t give everyone else that face and not my wife. She deserved the smile and laughter more than anybody. By Thursday of every week, my body didn’t want to move. I was so depleted that I struggled to put my feet on the ground after I woke up. Without fail, every Thursday was the same struggle. After years of doing the same thing over and over, I couldn’t do it anymore. It is tiring work keeping up the façade. I was starting to crack.

Do you know what I’m talking about? I’m sure many of you reading this right now have felt the same way. There are plenty of people that do not let anyone see their dark side. They just go on about their day-to-day lives as if it was normal to feel this way. Sadly, we only learn of some people’s dark side after they are gone. Then we are left questioning how much we knew that person. How could we not see it? I would ask, ‘how could you see it?’ After all, no one saw that side of me. That part of me was tucked away nicely in a compartment of the brain that I avoided. 

Are you wearing a mask? What are you trying to hide? If you ever get tired of keeping up the façade, know that you are not alone. You can’t imagine the relief you will feel when you start to let your guard down. I sincerely hope you will be open and honest with your family, friends, leaders, and subordinates. You have no idea how much they will appreciate you. Train the next generation of leaders to know that what you see isn’t always what you get.

I don’t dread Thursday as much as I used to. I pray that your ‘Thursday’ becomes less dreadful in your healing journey.

~Rey