TWO EARS AND ONE MOUTH

A Few Good Men by Castle Rock Entertainment

One Sunday evening, my brother and I were watching TV with our father. Our father was a lawyer and every conversation with him felt like you were sitting on the witness stand being drilled by Lieutenant Daniel Kaffee – A Few Good Men (1992). I was pretty good at going back and forth with my father but my brother neither had the propensity nor inclination to engage in his mind games.  As a matter of fact, Michael was and still is relatively quiet. He is very conservative with his words. Michael’s lack of interest in engaging with our father often frustrated him. I guess on this day our father had enough and blurted out, “Dammit Michael, when I ask you a question you need to answer it.  What the hell is wrong with you?” Michael’s answer couldn’t have been more perfect. He said, “Dad, if I talk all the time, no one will listen but if I only speak when I have something to say, then everyone will listen. God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason so that we would listen twice as much as we talk.” Leaders often feel obligated to say something even when nothing really needs to be said. It takes discipline and an intentional effort to hold your tongue until all others have provided their input.  Often, your ability to hold your tongue says more than your 20-minute soliloquy to maintain your position at the head of the table. Keep in mind, simply keeping your mouth shut is only half of the battle with self-discipline. You also must learn to be an engaged listener. Leadership expert Simon Sinek has made a career out of explaining what makes good leaders great ones. When it comes to meetings, he has one big piece of advice to aspiring great leaders: Be a better listener by being the last one to speak your opinion in a meeting.  Simons says, “The skill to hold your opinions to yourself until everyone has spoken does two things: One, it gives everybody else the feeling that they have been heard and the ability to feel that they have contributed.  And two, you get the benefit of hearing what everybody else has to say before you render your opinion.”  When you wait to hear what your team is going to say, you’re giving your team a chance to grow into leaders who can feel comfortable sharing their opinions with each other. It builds team morale as well as building more productive discussions and cohesive teams.

WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO BE AN ENGAGED LISTENER?

1. LISTEN TO LEARN, NOT TO BE POLITE

Far too often, we tend to listen out of generosity and not out of curiosity. You cannot have truly intelligent dialogue if you are only listening so that you know when someone else has stopped speaking. You must listen with the intent to learn.  When you engage in a conversation, you really need to do so with a beginner mindset.  2. TURN OFF YOUR AGENDA

While you can’t control someone else’s listening habits, you can control your own and that involves quieting down your mind. Stop thinking about what you want, what you feel, what you believe and simply listen to understand. If you finish a conversation and have learned absolutely nothing, were you really listening?

2. BE ACTIVE BY ASKING QUESTIONS

When you ask questions, you send the message that the opinions, beliefs and experiences of others are important. You also create a safe place to receive the unvarnished truth. In receiving this unvarnished truth, you must also be open to being proven wrong and comfortable discussing the err of your thinking and or judgment.   

3. LISTEN TWICE AS MUCH AS YOU TALK

Keeping score is a good way to stay on track. Most people take a notebook into meetings. I recommend putting a little check mark down every time someone else speaks and a check mark for every time you speak. At the end of the meeting, you should have twice as many check marks under others than you do for yourself.   

4. REPEAT BACK WHAT YOU HEARD

If I had a dollar for every time I either wrote or said something that was completely misunderstood, I would probably be hanging out on my yacht with Elon Musk. A great way to verify the information you are processing in your brain is to repeat or restate what you believe to have been said. This process is called active listening. A number of problems interfere with people’s ability to understand accurately what another person is trying to communicate, says Adam Goodman, director of the Center of Leadership at Northwestern University. “Am I anticipating what the other person is about to say? Do I agree or disagree with what’s being said? Maybe I’m agreeing too quickly, and, upon reflection, I’d find myself disagreeing later?” he asks. “Put simply, there’s more opportunity to misunderstand than there is to actually understand.”

5. STOP INTERRUPTING FOLKS

One of the most frustrating things to me is being engaged in a conversation with someone who is obviously more focused on what they want to say than they are on what I am saying. Their response is usually a true indicator that they were simply not listening. Sadly, we all tend to be guilty of this behavior from time to time. Once again, it takes an intentional effort to train your mind to focus on the individual and their input before you even begin to process the information you are being provided.   

Being a good leader means to be able to make sound decisions for the team and to inspire them to move in the desired direction of travel. If you do not listen intently to their feedback, you are more than likely to head down a path that will lack the level of commitment and passion to achieve the highest level of results. Listening to your people sends the message that this is a safe place to share your thoughts and experiences. Those thoughts and experiences are important to our collective success.  

-Tim