Some F@*#’s Given

Pardon my language, but we need to talk. Over the past couple of years, I’ve noticed a few things that are becoming alarming in my mind. The thing we need to talk about is how much time, energy, and attention we are giving to tasks and issues in our lives. With the rise of social media and the easy access to information, we have split into two extreme camps: those who don’t care at all and those who care way too much. Both ends of the spectrum cause problems for the individual and for our society (or whatever unit of culture you want to discuss). These problems can range from experiencing high levels of anxiety and addiction, all the way to violent protests. In order to help ourselves and our societies, we must learn how to give a shit in a healthy and balanced way. 

On the low-end of the care spectrum, we have the group of people who have decided that it is cool to not care. These are the individuals who go around disclaiming to anyone who will listen that they give zero f@*#$ like it is a badge of honor to be worn proudly. These are the ones who brag about getting out of helping at work or simply do the bare minimum with a grimace on their face. It is easy to point the finger at a certain generation and blame the “don’t care at all mentality” all on them, but I would argue that is inaccurate. Sure, you could make a case that many people from the younger generations adopt this mentality. But, I can also make a case for several people from the older generations that have gotten complacent and are riding out their time living in this mentality waiting on their retirement to kick in. Regardless of which generation resides at this end of the spectrum, there is a deeper level to explore here. Why might someone choose to approach life this way? It could be as a sense of self-preservation or protection. Think back to the movie Dodgeball where Vince Vaughn’s character, Peter La Fleur, gave us this quote, “I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya... it feels phenomenal.” If we aren’t striving for anything, we can’t be let down. If we don’t care about anything (or make it seem like we don’t), then we can’t be disappointed when things don’t go the way we want them to. Another reason someone may adopt an I don’t care about anything mindset is because they are suffering from a fear of failure. This fear of failure could be fueled by being stuck in what Carol Dweck calls a Fixed Mindset. A Fixed Mindset is when one believes that they have a set amount of skill, talent, or intelligence and no matter what, they cannot improve or grow their skills, talents, or intelligence levels. If someone is stuck in a Fixed Mindset, it causes them to avoid challenges, give up easily when things get hard and avoid feedback. This closely mimics what it looks like when someone shows up and says they don’t care if they do well completing a task or performance. If they say this, then it allows them to self-sabotage and give up quickly so no one can see their true skill level. 

It can be extremely frustrating dealing with someone who is stuck in the I don’t care mindset and even more frustrating trying to motivate them to do a task. Knowing this can help build some self-awareness on how we approach these individuals and how we can best support them in overcoming their inner-battles to overcome the zero f*@#$ given lifestyle. One way could be asking them what they want to be doing in life or their purpose and trying to connect whatever task or challenge it is to building or supporting their purpose or interests. Another way of helping them could be to show some genuine empathy to what they are showing you. This could look like acknowledging that it’s understandable to not be excited about doing a menial task and that at times you’ve also struggled to be motivated to do things in your life. This builds a connection between you and the individual that opens the door for them to approach you in this conversation or in the future to talk about what might be getting them stuck in their unhelpful mindset. 

Now let’s flip the script to examine the opposite side of the care spectrum. On the high end of our spectrum are the people who care about everything. To them, everything is an outrage and everything that occurs is a call to be up in arms. These are the people who are constantly on social media yelling (metaphorically or typing in all caps) and complaining about everything. These are the people who worry so much about what people think that they become stuck analyzing how others might perceive them that they never take action. These are the people who want to speak the loudest to discuss problems but can’t be heard when it is time to make  solution-focused actions. The things this end of the care spectrum cares about can be small and trivial things like how long the line at the local coffee shop took to major events like the Black Lives Matter Movement or gun control reform discussions. There are things that happen in our world that are worthy of being upset about but this much is clear; the problem for the high end of the care spectrum is that everything that occurs is evaluated as being a major issue. This can be an issue on many different levels. Think about how much energy it takes to be upset about and care about everything. Eventually, the person stuck in this mindset is going to burnout and have no mental, emotional, or physical energy left. This also has health risks associated with it. The increase in stress that we experience by being in a constant state of outrage brings with it stress hormones that are continuously firing off in our body. When these stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol are pumping through our system, our body is never able to relax and repair itself. If this goes on for long chunks of time, it can lead to illnesses, high blood pressure, hypertension, and the list can go on. That’s just on the individual level. Now multiply that to all those that exist in our society.

So what do we do to help this end of the spectrum? It can be extremely hard to reason with or take someone serious who is constantly mad or fired up about something. In Mark Manson’s book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, he discusses how caring so deeply about everything becomes an overwhelming burden to carry. Manson’s advice is to not fall to the low end of the care spectrum, but to instead be more mindful and deliberate about what we are choosing to give a f*@# about. This means that we need to be more deliberate about our choices in life and what we are defining as important or meaningful to us. Once we make this clear for ourselves, we can then more purposefully choose to put forth effort and care into addressing these issues or tasks. This frees up so much mental, emotional, and energy reserves for us. This is easier said than done and so helping either yourself or someone else to slowly let go of caring about the things that don’t really matter in life will take time and patience. 

It may be an uphill battle both ways in the driving rain and snow to find the middle ground on how much we should care and what we should choose to care about. But, it is worth it to find  mental clarity and peace for ourselves, for our current society, and also for our future generations? We are the current leaders molding the next generation of leaders. We must set the example for them on how to lead with intent and purpose. To pick our battles and stand up for our beliefs with intention and  how to be emotionally intelligent leaders that can regulate our emotions rather than letting our emotions control and regulate us. 

Fight the good fight. Fight the right fight. Remain Always In Pursuit of your purpose and goals. Live your life on the offense by being strategic on when and how you choose to give a f@#*. 

-Daren