Projecting Love
Rey circa 2004-2005 in northern Iraq
People tend to think of life-changing events as significant, memorable events that instantly impact our loved ones or us. Like a great number of you, I have been shaped by many of the smaller events throughout my life. We can't grasp why we have changed many times, days, months, or years after an event has passed. In my case, it took years of growing and reflecting to realize that I have changed.
My Iraq 2004-2005 deployment was the worst in terms of trauma. There are events from that year that continue to haunt me. However, there are also events from that year that bring me an appreciation for where I am today. I want to talk about one of those events right now.
One day, in northern Iraq, our platoon, where I served as the line medic, was assigned an overwatch mission. For those who don't know what that is, we were told to find a position where we could keep a watch on the Main Supply Route (MSR) to see if we could catch the guys placing IEDs. The place we identified was a walled-off compound where we could sit on the roof and have a clear line of sight to the MSR.
In the photo above, I am sitting with the family that owned that property. Although the whole family was gracious and kind to us while we were there, the young girl sitting in my lap would have a profound impact on my life. Although I will never know what that family's outcome was after we left, I will always carry my memory of her from that one day. Unfortunately, she will never know what she means to me, even to this day. So, instead, I will share it with you.
Generally, we think about the defensive mechanisms to cope with our undesirable feelings when we think of projecting feelings. Well, this experience had the opposite effect on me. In the past few years, I found myself casting that love on to a young Arab woman that I wish for the best in her life. I was even in trouble with my wife for telling this woman that I loved her. I know that it seems apparent that I should have told my wife about my friend, but it was not apparent to me because I'm dense, and I knew how she would feel about me telling this to another woman. She would probably think that I was ready to leave her for this young woman.
For me, I was thinking about this young girl that had grown up to be an amazing and successful person. I know that my friend is not the little girl from Iraq I met all those years ago, but I desperately want this young woman to succeed. I was, and still am, projecting that love onto my friend.
I'm sure you're wondering what this has to do with leadership. Well, as a leader, I also tried to project this love onto my subordinates. Don't get me wrong; I have projected many other feelings on different people that were not as constructive as love. But in my current state, all I want for my past, present, and future subordinates is to succeed in life. It doesn't only have to be success in the Army. I know that many of them will not have long careers in the service, which is perfectly fine. I want them to know that no matter what career or life path they decide on, I love them.
How about you? What feelings are you projecting on those around you? Is it love? Is it your insecurities? I pray that you will reflect on the things that have shaped you and use your feelings to your benefit as a leader. How will you project what was or was not given to you? Don't wait for tomorrow to share those feelings; start now!
~Rey