Practical Approach to Conflict Management
Emotions, resentment, and even passion are some of the causes behind conflict. It’s important to recognize as they can be triggers. We’ve all had conflict; whether personal or professionally. Situations that you can reflect back to that cause your blood to boil. However, the real question is was it resolved? If so, could you have been more efficient and acted in a more mature way? Speaking for myself, the answer is a resounding YES!!!
So how do we take conflict management to the graduate level and turn into a personal growth opportunity? Can we work through the adversity and become a better version of ourselves? I believe so, first we need to address the elephant in the room, our emotions.
Here is something that I use, yes an acronym. I avoid the use of them like we try to avoid COVID. In this case it causes pause, reflection and exploration; which is the desired effect while we stifle those pesky emotions.
Reassess
What are they trying communicate? Is their viewpoint different or is it just worded in such a way that after assessing, you realize you are saying the same thing differently. You will be surprised how often this is the case. Also, is your viewpoint correct or did you immediately go defensive because of their initial onslaught?
Equalize
Crack a joke, do a dance, or even say something positive even if it’s off topic; whatever it takes to reduce the friction and anxiety of the engagement. Realize that sometimes people just want to be mad and that you just happen to be in the range fan and are receiving unintended fire. Try to not take it personally and calm the situation.
Listen
My wife loves to tell me: “God, gave you two big ears, why don’t you learn how to use them better.” You have to love a woman that challenges you…Anyway, listen to understand, not to respond. Read that again; we are all terrible at this and it takes active thought to ensure we are actively listening. Hang on every word and clear your mind of the thoughts that populate in regards to your response.
Acknowledge
Don’t use your words; use their thoughts and ideas. Repeat them back to them in an understanding tone and fight the sarcastic under tones. You are trying to show them that you hear them, understand what they are communicating, and respect it wholeheartedly. (Yes this can be tough, do it)
eXplain
NOW you can explain yourself and tell them how wrong you are. Joking, first start your comments with the thoughts they presented to you. Then use a bridge to interlace your own thoughts. Avoid sarcasm, angry tones and never, repeat never, make it a game. Be rational and tell them how you either agree or respectively disagree with what has been communicated.
Repeat until the matter is resolved or a quagmire is reached and you can tell that neither of you is going to come to the same side on the discussion. Don’t sweat it, often times we will think in heat of the moment that it’s the most important event in our life. We realize over time though that it doesn’t really affect the present, future or our life.
Conflict is never going to go away; it is a part of life and we will be better for it, if we approach it in the right way. One of the key things to remove from your lexicon is the thought that you need to win. You can win the battle and those the war. You may convince someone that you are in right, it will come at a cost and that cost maybe respect or even dignity. Also it is possible for both of you to be right, you just can’t agree. We can still be friends or you learn something that tells you this person beliefs isn’t in line with yours and you will distance the association. That’s OK!
A couple great books I recommend everyone to read are the following:
Emotional Intelligence 2.0 T.B Greaves
Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss
It might seem a little odd that I didn’t include books on conflict management, there are plenty. I feel it’s more important to research the human dynamic and physiology. Both of these texts examine this and offer some great ways to work through conflicts.
-Mike
