DO YOU FEEL ME?
Today, I put up a ceiling fan. Three hours after starting, I felt proud as I stood back and admired this small victory. Now, some of you are thinking, “come on Sloan, a ceiling fan?” I am sure you are not impressed. What if I added I did so on a 20 ft high ceiling with an 8 ft down tube? Nothing right, still no big deal? What if I tell you three days ago, I smashed my left hand with a hammer basically leaving myself one handed for the task, does that change things? Maybe it does, maybe it does not. Ok, let's add I am in dire need of hernia surgery which I have put off until I've completed treatments for lung cancer. Starting to see the picture here? You never really know what’s going on with someone unless we take the time to check on them.
The best leaders are empathetic leaders, the leaders who can feel what their people are going through without being told. We must build the type of trusting relationships that creates the type of connection where you can feel without being told. The point to the story above is as a leader, we should celebrate all victories and triumphs of our people. A small victory or an accomplishment that is insignificant to you, may be huge in the lives of those you have been charged to lead. Big or small, you should always champion the efforts of your people. You may never know the obstacles they had to overcome just to get a little win. The human experience is real and as we go about our day, we are drawn both physically and mentally in many different directions. With each pull, we move closer to one challenge and further away from another.
I lost my mother one week after starting a new job as an executive leader in a new organization. The pull towards family and the guilt of not being there was real. The pull towards my duties and responsibilities to our organization was equally as real. When you are burning the candle at both ends, they will eventually meet in the middle, and you will have nothing left but melted wax on the countertop. I never talked to anyone about this conflict. I simply Soldiered through with a ruck sack full of guilt. If I am being honest, I was successful in that position for those two years, but I was also less than what I could have been. When it was time for my evaluation report, it did not reflect the level of success I had achieved in my previous positions. When talking to my supervisor while receiving this evaluation, I apologized for my average performance and finally shared the loss of my mother two years earlier. His response was, “I had no idea”, but shouldn’t he have known?
I found comfort at work. It was my safe place and I poured everything into the people I was charged to lead, rarely stopping long enough to check my own mental thermostat. I never shared my personal trials and tribulations with anyone. I refused to expose my own vulnerabilities. I believe by not doing so, I made myself less real and less relatable. “How can I open up to him? He will never understand. He has it all together.”
I tell these personal stories because empathy is a two-way street. If empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, you must first understand your own feelings. If you bottle these feelings up into a nice and neat package stored in the corner of a dark closet, you may find yourself unable to relate to the struggles of others. Your expectation becomes, “just do like me and rub some dirt on it! You will be ok.”
The first step to become an empathetic leader is to be transparent to the point of vulnerability. Do you feel me? Once you have come to terms with your own struggles, here are some behaviors that demonstrate your focus on the individual as a person and not just another part of the machine.
1. You must be authentic. If you are faking a connection and not coming from a caring, personal, or professional concern; they will know it. You must work hard to create meaningful relationships based on trust, transparency, honesty, and effective communication. Never hide your emotions. If you’re happy, show it. If you’re angry, show it. You get the picture! These are all human traits that make you relatable and approachable.
2. Recognize and accept different perspectives. It doesn’t have to be your way or the highway. People are usually more passionate about their ideas and plans than yours, even when your plan is the best plan. An inferior plan executed with commitment and passion is often more successful than a superior plan executed in the absence of commitment and passion. Failing to listen to your people can also lead to poor decisions and disengage your people at all levels.
3. Be self-aware & compassionate. It can be difficult to relate to people and their views. You may not fully understand their experiences and journeys so you must try to connect with the emotion they are displaying. A good technique is to find out what they are feeling then compare it to when you felt that way in the past. Maybe you have never gone through a divorce before, but you have lost a loved one before. Loss is loss and the pain from loss is real regardless of the type of loss. This comparison will help you to create a closer connection and a better understanding of what they are experiencing.
4. Ask, Listen, and Reflect. The absolute best way to know what someone else is feeling is to ask them. When we make assumptions about another person’s feelings or even express opinions of what they should be feeling, this leads to leaders being completely out of touch with their people. You cannot make sustainable cultural improvements if you are making assumptions in the absence of feedback. You must learn exactly what is going on in your organization and you cannot do so if you do not engage your people. Ask your people and then listen very carefully to the feedback you are being provided. You must then reflect on this feedback and compare it to what you believe is the best course of action moving forward.
5. Utilize people analytics. My last organization had over 15,000 personnel. There was absolutely no way I was going to be able to speak to everyone every day and empathize with their concerns. The utilization of a combination of surveys and interviews can provide you with the pulse of the organization. The results of these surveys will help you to create empathetic and meaningful action plans to boost culture, engagement, and happiness!
I often see posts with brief and catchy statements about leadership and/or what good leaders are. They are all true, but also fall quite short. I've said many times that a leader "only" has two jobs; to take care of the mission and to take care of the people. Simple right? Not by a long shot.
Project management is easy. People management is hard. Leading people is tough. Leading is so broad and all encompassing because ultimately, the leader is responsible for everything in that organization. Leading is about sacrifice, ownership, vision, genuine care, responsibility, growth, and so much more. The best leaders can feel and understand without being told. Do you feel me?
-Tim
