Bitterness in Life and Leadership
“I’ll never forgive you.” “I got passed up for promotion, again.” “Why doesn’t anybody care?” “They were such-a-good-person. It should have been me.”
It’s not an all-inclusive list of reasons to be bitter by any means but, have you uttered anything like those words or phrases at any point in your life? Bitterness can come from any injustice or perception of injustice that you may have experienced. It is an inward expression of an outward hurt.
Bitterness seems to be a common theme in society today. I see people and leaders from all walks of life clinging to resentment as if it was helping them. You have undoubtedly heard Saint Augustine’s quote, “resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Yet here we are, drinking the poison and looking intently at our offenders, waiting for something terrible to happen to them.
I’ve had a lot of anger and bitterness in my life. To a much lesser extent than before, I still harbor some of those feelings. The question I have been asking myself is why. I know that having these feelings doesn’t hurt anyone or anything outside of myself. I also know that there is freedom in letting things go. I know this because I have done it with so many things along my journey of healing.
Bitterness is like cancer. While it may only affect one part of your being initially, it will start creeping its way into other areas of your life. It is not something that you can compartmentalize. You may find yourself being angry at someone for something benign, but the full force of bitterness that you have been suppressing spills over in the way you treat that person.
As a leader, being forgiving is a must-have attribute. I have seen the morale of organizations tank because leaders were bitter towards their leadership. This caused a rift between the Soldiers beneath the “offended” and the higher leadership. If your Soldiers trust you, they will follow your lead, so don’t use your influence to create more bitterness.
So, what are you going to do with all those feelings? It’s not like they just go away. After all, some of you have had these feelings so long that it’s hard to imagine life without them. The first thing you need to understand is that you can only control YOUR thoughts and behaviors. No one else can do that for you. Nor can you control other people’s thoughts and behaviors.
Next, explore the reasons behind your bitterness. Some people know why they are bitter. Others, like me, need help in figuring it out. Talk it out with a professional to get to the root of the issue. You might find that the thing you thought was the source of bitterness overflowed from the actual source.
Once you get that figured out, you can work to confront it. This won’t be easy. If it’s a person, ask to have an open and honest discussion. Expect others to get defensive and fire back at you. Don’t let it deter you from your objective.
Finally, whomever or whatever the cause of your bitterness, forgive them and forgive yourself. You do not know how powerful forgiveness is until you need it, and it is granted to you. Forgiveness is a big part of your healing process. This doesn’t mean that we have forgotten. It means that we are choosing to let go of the past and working for a better future.
Leaders, “[H]atred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses (Proverbs 10:12).” “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you (Eph 4: 31-32).” Don’t underestimate your influence over others. You are being watched all the time. Be a positive influence that helps others along their path.
~Rey